How To Save A Life
by BringOnTheWonder1997
Summary: Arthur is losing Merlin. Merlin is losing himself. What will happen? WARNINGS: SUICIDE, SONG FIC Two-shot. Now complete xx
1. Chapter 1

**A/N WARNING SUICIDE - DEATH FIC (I do love writing these don't I?)**

**Never thought I'd write a song fic (when I read them the lyrics always really annoy me when I'm reading) but you have to go where the plot bunnies take you...**

**Set after series 3**

**Disclaimer: IDOM**

There was no more death, burning buildings, bad weather (which hadn't been _that_ bad, just bothersome) or damage to fix. Camelot was safe again. Arthur had taken back control of the castle with ease after the immortal army had been vanquished – it wasn't like anyone actually wanted Morgana as Queen.

Especially after her little display involving the Knights and innocent citizens of Camelot – over thirty people had died in that and pretty much everyone in both the castle and lower town knew someone who had died.

But one thing was getting on his last nerve.

His idiotic, cheerful manservant.

Merlin.

Merlin who hadn't been acting his usual idiotic, cheerful self.

Merlin who had been acting ... strangely. Very strangely. Un-Merlin like. (Arthur had decided that Merlin was so unique and his attitude so strange it deserved its own word.) And as much as normal Merlin irritated him and amused him in equal measures, he was kind of missed in comparison to this sullen, quiet Merlin.

It wasn't as though he was concerned for Merlin though (why would it be something like that?) Lancelot and Gwaine had been pestering him about Merlin's depressing mood.

Quite frankly it was killing Arthur's buzz – yes his sister was an evil sorcerer and yes his father had kind of lost it but he could freely show his relationship with Gwen, and he had Camelot back, and Morgana was gone, and ... Merlin was being annoyingly depressing.

The one person he _had_ to see every day.

Not that he saw him every day anyway.

There was no cheeky, goofy smile. No annoyingly witty back chat – which he'd become accustomed to. Just silence.

There was no glaring and frowning either – no visible signs of displeasure or anger. Just smiles that didn't reach his eyes (and he wasn't fooling anyone) and a faraway gaze whenever he wasn't directly involved in the conversation.

From always happy-go-lucky Merlin, this transformation was downright eerie.

_He was being the perfect servant._

How ... terrifying.

_Step one; you say we need to talk,_

_He walks you say sit down it's just a talk,_

_He smiles politely back at you,_

_You stare politely right on through._

_Some sort of window to your right,_

_And he goes left and you stay right,_

_Between the lines of fear and blame,_

_You begin to wonder why you came._

He'd just tried to talk to Merlin. And he'd been blown off and politely dismissed from his own chambers. Why had he bothered?

He remembered now; Gwaine's persistently irritating threats (which wouldn't be carried out), Lancelot's mournful staring (no one was dead were they?) and Gwen's pleading.

They only thing that slightly inclined him to talk to Merlin was Gwen (Merlin was not his friend!)

During the conversation he'd restrained the urge to strangle Merlin – he kept on doing this infuriating scratching motion on his skin – and received no answers. Just silence. He probably would've received more information talking to one of the castle walls.

Not that he talked to the castle walls.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

He was losing Merlin.

And he didn't know what to.

This ... nothing was killing him.

Perhaps this was one of Merlin's plans – he go right back to normal once Arthur complimented him or insinuated he was something within fifty miles of a friend (last time he'd done something like that, Merlin beamed for the next five hours. Even through mucking out the stables and doing Arthur's dirty laundry).

_Let him know that you know best,_

_Cause after all you do know best,_

_Try to slip past his defence,_

_Without granting innocence._

_Lay down a list of what is wrong,_

_The things you've told him all along,_

_And pray to God he hears you,_

_And pray to God he hears you._

He'd tried slipping in his enquires in subtly (well as subtly as he could manage. He _was_ a Pendragon. They had the tact of ... well Merlin.)

He'd tried asking Gaius and Gwaine and Gwen and Lancelot.

He'd tried to follow Merlin (he was NOT being a stalker. Merely a very concerned fri-Master. But really, Merlin spent far too much time in the bathroom. And not enough in the kitchens – the cook kept trying to fatten him up.)

Nothing was working!

It was really very frustrating, and (for Merlin) positively unusual. Merlin couldn't keep a secret to save his life.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_As he begins to raise his voice,_

_You lower yours and grant him one last choice,_

_Drive until you lose the road,_

_Or break with the ones you've followed._

_He will do one of two things,_

_He will admit to everything,_

_Or he'll say he's just not the same,_

_And you'll begin to wonder why you came._

"I can't do this anymore."

"What can't you do?"

Merlin was silent (how surprising!), his face stoic.

This ... nothing, uncaring was frustrating Arthur beyond belief.

"Tell me what's wrong." Arthur's voice was soft and deadly.

"I can't!" Merlin's voice was louder and reached a higher pitch every time he spoke.

"Consider it an order."

Merlin stared disbelievingly at Arthur for a moment, tears welling in his eyes. He forced them back down and his gaze sharpened, cerulean eyes glowering at him, his back straight and rigid.

"In which case I quit. Sire."

Merlin bowed stiffly and exited the room without looking back.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_How to save a life._

_How to save a life._

Merlin was missing.

He hadn't turned up to do his chores, to attend to Arthur.

Gaius hadn't seen him.

Gwen hadn't seen him.

Neither had Gwaine, Lancelot, Percival, Elyan or Leon.

None of the castle guards had seen him (then again they were guards – they probably wouldn't notice if a flying chicken danced through the _front_ gates singing opera.)

No one had seen him anywhere.

Arthur was _not_ getting worried.

Really.

He _wasn't_.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

No one had seen Merlin.

But the next time Arthur saw Merlin, he was lying in his bed in a pool of red; a peaceful smile on his lips and the blade he'd given Morgana at his wrist.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._

_How to save a life._


	2. Chapter 2

_Sorry for the wait. This chapter took a lot of effort and motivation to write – I kept on getting distracted with other fics. I'm not too sure about it but I thought I'd post it anyway. Please PM me or review if you can spot anything glaringly wrong._

_Read and review please._

_Disclaimer: IDOM_

His heart stopped. Merlin was lying, eyes vacant, on his bed; his lifeblood still trickling from the numerous gashes in his arms and wrists.

Arthur started towards him and shook him gently, his eyes falling to the knife that had now clattered to the floor.

It was almost poetic justice – Morgana's knife at Merlin's wrist – for some unexplained feeling he couldn't shake. Why was it poetic justice? He didn't know.

He kicked it under the bed slightly.

And right now he didn't really care.

"Gaius. Gaius!"

Nothing. Nothing but silence. He wanted, needed, to find someone else, someone who could tell him he was hallucinating; but he didn't want to leave Merlin on his own – just in case his eyes weren't really deceiving him. Keeping one eye on Merlin, he walked towards the old wooden doors which had survived so much, seen so much pain and death at the physicians table. Merlin would not be another. He _couldn't_ be. Both Leon and Gwaine were walking towards the doors – training injuries, judging by Gwaine's slight favouring of his left leg and the small traces of blood on Leon's chainmail.

"Leon!" he shouted, his voice bordering on hysterical. "Go and find Gaius."

The Knight gave Arthur a concerned look before hurrying off to find the physician. Arthur was left alone with Gwaine in the dark corridor.

"What's up, Princess?" Gwaine's voice, although tinged with worry, was nonchalant. Arthur had only chosen Leon because he was in the better position to fetch Gaius first – he would not have willingly subjected Gwaine to such a view of his best friend. Arthur gave the rogue Knight a despairing look before turning back into Gaius' chambers.

Now Gwaine looked more concerned – he'd presumed that whoever needed Gaius (Gwaine had thought probably Gwen) was elsewhere and Arthur had come to look for him; but if they were inside the physician's chambers, that narrowed down the potential suspects rather a lot. Gaius they were looking for. That left Merlin.

Merlin.

Gwaine shot a panic stricken look at his Prince (and Regent King, now that Uther had been driven insane by his own daughter) and was not consoled by the grim and distressed look on his face. The Knight rushed into the physician's rooms. Arthur entered them behind him, finding him holding two shaking fingers to Merlin's neck.

"No!" The cry that tore from Gwaine's lips was inhuman, guttural. "No!" He spun, eyes wide and glittering with fury. "What happened?" The words were spat.

"I found him like ... this."

"Who did this?"

Arthur couldn't answer the question, shaking his head mutely. The two knights just stared at each other in paralysed shock, one_ in_ shock and the other almost trembling in fury and disbelief.

After a few moments Gwen entered the room, panting slightly. "I saw you two run in -" Gwen cut off abruptly, eyes round and terrified, staring at the shell that was a mere mockery of his manservant.

"NO!" Gwen's voice was a shriek, even louder than Gwaine's, piercing Arthur's eardrums. He unconsciously gravitated towards her and put his arms around her, drawing her closer, as her shrieks quietened to small whimpers, stifled by his shoulders.

For a few minutes that could have lasted centuries, the only sound was Guinevere's muffled sobs in the otherwise deathly silent room. Time slowly moved on. Time that could not exist – not without Merlin. Sun streamed in through the window, a clear and beautiful day. How could the sun rise without Merlin? Merlin was the sun, bringing light and warmth to the hearts of everyone, always stopping to help someone out or talk to another about their problems. This strange world – without Merlin – could not exist. Arthur wouldn't let it.

Leon entered the room at a sprint, followed by Gaius and (oddly enough) Lancelot.

I saw Gaius and Leon heading this way," he said as explanation. Gaius' eyes were scanning the room cautiously, freezing when they honed in on his ward. Lancelot and Leon followed Gaius' horrified gaze, before they too looked aghast.

Gaius rushed towards the boy, raising his back slightly and searching desperately for a pulse, faint as it may be.

The defeated look on his face when he drew back spoke a thousand words.

Merlin was dead.

Merlin had been killed by his own hand; by the knife _he _had given Morgana.

It was his fault Merlin was dead.

Logically he knew he was incorrect but he couldn't shake the terrible feeling.

Gwen burst into fresh sobs, Arthur mindlessly stroking her back for a measure of comfort – for which one of them he couldn't say. Her cries were the only sound in the room.

Everyone avoided looking at Merlin, seeing him now that they _knew _made it far too real. They just wanted to wake up. If they didn't see, maybe they could.

Finally Lancelot croaked, "What happened?" Leon, Gwaine, Gaius and Gwen turned to look at Arthur who was staring hollowly off into space, eyes shiny and glassy.

Arthur never cried.

He blinked several times and cleared his throat loudly, gaze still jumping around the room before it fixed on Guinevere's face. He refused to look away from her. "I found him. I found him. He was late – later than usual." Arthur's voice was quiet and almost hollow.

Gaius nodded slightly, "I thought he'd already gone." His voice trailed off at the end.

"I looked in some of the more obvious places before coming down here. I didn't think that even Merlin would still be in bed at this kind of time, but no one else had seen him so I thought I would check. And when I got in..." Arthur swallowed. _Hard._

"Yes?" Gwaine's tone was both gently and impatient – he wanted to hunt down the people who had done _this_ to his best friend. Who had rendered the Knights of Camelot to tears.

"The knife was in his hand."

"Who's hand?" Gwaine refused to believe it.

"Merlin's." Arthur's voice was almost inaudible. Almost. In the horrified silence of the room, he could be heard all too well.

Everyone knew the implications of what Arthur had just said. But Gwaine _refused_ to believe it anyway. "NO! No. He wouldn't. He wouldn't." His voice grew softer and quieter, lacking faith in his own desperate words. He looked pleadingly at Arthur who stayed silent and solemn.

Everyone was silent, their unsaid words echoing in the room.

Finally Arthur choked out, "Why ... why would he do something like _this_?"

Gwaine looked lost, as did Gwen and Leon. Lancelot and Gaius, on the other hand, looked sad but their eyes held a glint of understanding, of sympathizing. Arthur's eyes narrowed. "You know. You _know_." His voice rose in fury. He didn't know whether it was because of what Merlin had done or the fact that Lancelot knew why. Why Lancelot? Even Gwaine looked as bewildered as the rest of them – and he was the one that Arthur would've thought most likely to have known why Merlin would do something like this. "Why? Why did he do it Lancelot?" At this last question, one of so many, everyone turned to the noble Knight; each displaying a mixture of emotions. Lancelot looked helplessly at Gaius who looked apprehensive.

Slowly Gaius inclined in head and nodded slightly. "It's time."

"Now?" Arthur was even more annoyed and confused by this question. It seemed that not only had Merlin been keeping secrets that only Lancelot and Gaius knew about, Lancelot didn't want to tell any of them those secrets either. Even with Merlin...

Gaius nodded once, taking a deep, shaky breath almost in synchronisation with Lancelot. Everyone else just looked lost, the other Knights impatient.

"What's going on?" Leon asked carefully.

Gaius spoke cryptically, his words inflicted with a weight that his listeners would never understand now that Merlin was _gone_. "Everything. Everything and nothing."

And that was how Arthur learned the truth about Merlin; standing stiffly in Gaius' chambers, Gwen held tightly in his trembling arms as the truth was unfolded. Sir Leon's face, as well as Gwen's and Gwaine's changed between scared and apprehensive to horrified and distressed before they too showed the glimmer of understanding Lancelot had earlier displayed.

Arthur understood. And he hated it. Gwen was silent now, a single tear slipping down her pale cheeks, pallid from the shocks of the day.

Hours had passed, the six of them standing in the physician's chambers. It was a wonder there was not a search party underway – the castle had effectively been left without a leader or it's best Knights for about nine hours.

There was silence.

Why couldn't he have trusted me?

Despite knowing the answer, that was Arthur's last desperate thought as the bells tolled for a new day, one without his servant, his protector, his _friend_.

The last thing Arthur hated was the fact that it had taken _this _for him to realise, to _see_ what Merlin had done for him.

And he would never know that Arthur well and truly considered him his friend. All of him.

_Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend,_

_Somewhere along in the bitterness,_

_And I would have stayed up with you all night,_

_Had I known how to save a life._


End file.
